Sunday, February 25, 2007

Rumors (or apparently I suck as a wife)

A friend of mine told me yesterday that her husband told her he heard from other soldiers in my husband's unit that I do not treat my husband nicely.
I was devastated to hear this. I was depressed all day. I am glad my friend told me so I know what people are saying and I am going to let my husband know, as well. I am not sure why people are saying this about me.
I know I have had my moments with TJ, but I think overall I am nice to him. I try to tell him every opportunity I get how proud I am of him and how much I love him. I try to do nice things for him like cook for him when he is home and pick up his things and while he is gone write letters and send packages. There have been times when I have gotten mad at him for things, but this does not mean I am not nice to him.
I tried to think of things that other people have witnessed that would make them think I am not nice and there were only a couple of minor things. And it was normal things. He made me mad at a barbeque so I left and sat in the car for awhile. At a wedding he said he wasn't drinking because of me and I got mad because that was not the reason -- as Mormons we do not drink, but I think he is afraid to say something like that. I didn't stay with him when he was deploying, but that was because I knew I'd cry the whole time and just upset him more as well as upset others. There have been other things that have happened privately between us that other people can only have known if he has said something. Which makes me wonder who he is talking to and what he is saying. I have my suspicions. I know there are certain people who are not trustworthy, but my husband does not see it.
As I thought more about this(obsessed over it) I realized a couple of things....
1. Someone may have witnessed one of the above incidents, mentioned it to someone else who witnessed something else and they came to the conclusion and started saying I am not nice to my husband. Things could have been taken out of context.
2. Maybe the people saying these things about me are not nice to their wives (or vice-versa) and instead of admitting that to themselves it is easier to start saying it about someone else.
3. Maybe the people saying these things have other problems with their wives and to divert attention off themselves they talk about other people.
4. Maybe these people don't treat my husband nice themselves!! Or don't treat other people nicely.

Whatever the reason, knowing that fellow soldiers of my husband, people who are supposed to be like brothers to him, are saying these things about me really hurts. And they started to make me doubt myself. Which later pissed me off.
When I first came here I had a lot of trouble adjusting. I know there are times when I wasn't all that nice to my husband, but I always apologized and I think most of the time I tried to do nice things for him. There are times that I felt I was failing as an army wife. That I was not being the person or doing the things he wanted me to be and that hurt. I was miserable. But I changed. things changed. I started making friends and getting more involved and I was happier and feeling better. I felt I was finally making my husband proud. Then I hear that I am not nice to my husband and I felt like a failure. I felt useless and stupid. I felt like I would never be able to do anything right or be a good army wife. I was sobbing in the dark in my bed to my carebear that I was a failure and I wanted to go back to my mom. That I don't know what I am supposed to do. That nothing I do is right or good enough. That is how I felt.

So I wrote to TJ about my feelings and the situation and I felt better sorting it all out. I also got angry that I let people make me feel that way. As my friends tell me, those people don't know me or my situation. That that is not who I am. I know I am nice to my husband. That I love him and would never intentionally hurt him. That I try to work on our relationship and my actions.

I also talked to a couple of people at church. First a sister missionary, then my bishop. The sister missionary was encouraging and told me to try not to get angry, either. To know that I am a good person and that I am special. The bishop was just as awesome. He told me that gossip runs rampant in the military(not only was he in the military, he is also a counselor on Post) and asked if my husband has every complained about how I treat him. I said no and he said then I shouldn't worry. If he does then that is something that I would have to work on with him(my husband), but it doesn't matter what other people think. We talked about some other stuff and he gave me good advice. Then he gave me a blessing where I was assured that I am a good wife. I am trying to let go of the anger now.

This has all got me to thinking about rumors that are going around in the unit and they really piss me off(they pissed me off before I heard a rumor about myself!!). My attitude towards the rumors is as follows....
1. I don't believe anything until I actually here it from someone involved. Sometimes there is some truth to a rumor, but there is a lot more to the story or it was told wrong!!
2. I try not to talk about what I know unless confronted with a story that I know is not true and then I try to refute it without telling what the actual story is unless I have been told it is okay to say something and even then I am reluctant to say anything because I believe people need to tell their own business if they choose to.
3. Even if the rumor is true and it makes someone look bad, I focus on the person I know and how they have treated me and others. There is always 2 sides to a story and you don't know the underlying reasons for what has happened. Take my situation -- there may have been a time I was not nice to my husband, but there may have been more going on than me just being mean. Maybe he was mean first or there was a serious issue that required me to be less than nice.

Anyway, I am not going to dwell on what is being said about me because I know it is not true. I have turned my hurt and self-doubt to anger and now I am trying to let go of the anger. I am still going to tell my husband because he has a right to know and he also needs to be aware that if he is saying something to someone in confidence and they are betraying that confidence, then that person is not his friend. And it hurts me to have to have him find something like that out because he is so trusting and unassuming. I truly hope that that is not what happened and that this rumor came from what people perceived. It still sucks, though.


HT said...

isDon't worry Robyn. From what I've read of your blogs, you really try to do a lot for him. Gossip is usually not accurate and it's usually something someone has misinterpreted anyway. :)

suzanne said...

It does suck. But you know that you are a good wife and if tj knows that, then that is all that matters.
you're a strong, young woman, robyn, so i know this will not keep you down.
chin up, love!

Robyn :) said...

I will be writing an update blog shortly explaining what caused the rumor(wish my friend's husband had told her that part because I wouldn't have gotten so upset!!)
Thank you for the encouragement!!