This is what happens when you have PMS and haven’t taken your Selexa for 2 days.. you get really depressed and start blogging about the same old same old.
At least this time I think I have had a breakthrough.
It started to seem to me that people from church NEVER ask TJ when we are going to have kids or why we don’t, but ALWAYS ask me. Okay, granted, I have not been asked this in awhile(though someone did make the comment as I was holding one of the sleeping babies that it looked good -- well, duh!! It would look good if Mickey Mouse was holding her like that!!) at church, but yesterday my husband was with the people that usually ask me and said they didn’t ask him AND he never gets asked that question. So it is not like I am exagerrating or just imagining it. So if course, thinking about this I got mad.
Other things making me think about this --- talking about pregnancy and kids with a pregnant woman and being asked when we plan on having kids(which is perfectly NORMAL when you are already in a conversation about it -- that didn’t bother me, but made me think about when I don’t like getting that question) AND (and this gets personal) trying to do what you need to to make a baby and getting rejected YET AGAIN by your husband.
So, of course, somewhere in my mind I am thinking that this is all my fault and that’s where the breakthrough comes in....
WHEN THE HECK DID I START THINKING IT WAS ALL UP TO ME TO HAVE A BABY????????????? WHEN DID I START TO LET MYSELF THINK IT WAS MY RESPONSIBILITY, MY PROBLEM AND MY FAILURE?????????????
And when did it get into my subconciousness that my life would be so much better or complete or whatever with a baby?
Stay with me here as I try to get my thoughts out.....
Somewhere along the line it seeped into my subconcious that I should(I HATE that word) have a baby and it was all my responsibility. Never mind that you need a sperm. I think I started feeling that when people asked me why I didn’t have kids that it was my fault and I should try harder. I know my husband usually is not in the mood and I get tired of feeling rejected, but I keep trying any chance I get so I can at least tell myself I am trying and making an effort. Okay, is that right???????? How did I ever let myself think that? Well, I know how -- I take little offhand comments to heart instead of brushing them off. But I should(there’s that word again) never have let myself feel like I am a failure or doing something wrong because I am not trying. I don’t think my husband is a failure for not trying, so why should I think I am? So, anyway, I am not a failure and it is not just up to me to get pregnant. And because people ask me when I am going to have kids does not mean it is all up to me or I am necessarily expected to have kids(well, maybe in their minds it does, BUT usually it is just curiosity) or there is something wrong with me because I don’t have any yet. Now, if they have asked me before and keep on asking that means there is something wrong with THEM because really, if you have already asked me, do you really need to ask again? And if it is your way of telling me there is something wrong with me, just tell me you think there is something wrong with me so I can just tell you there isn’t!!
The other thing that seems to have slipped into my subconscious is that in order for my life to complete or BETTER I need to have a baby. Well, it is not hard to figure out why that is -- that is pretty much the message EVERYONE is given. People are always saying how great having kids are, and how something was missing before, and it is the most incredible thing ever. Well, of course they all say that!!! What else are they supposed to say??????? And for them, it is probably the truth -- FOR THEM. Maybe it is the greatest thing that ever happened to them. Does it mean that nothing great ever happened before? No. Does it mean that because their greatest thing is having a baby and my greatest thing is graduating college theirs is better and their life is better? No. Do incredible things not happen to me? No(or yes, they do happen) Do I not have a full and complete life just because I don’t have a baby?No, I DO have a GREAT life. Would my life be BETTER with a baby -- I don’t know. It would be different that’s for sure, but my life is pretty amazing right now. What I am trying to say is that I need to think about how I am interpreting these messages. Because most of the time people are just stating how they feel and telling you what is in their hearts and what is true for them. It doesn’t mean it is true for me, too and I shouldn’t take it that way.
NOW, on the other hand, if someone ever tries to tell me that MY life WOULD be better if I have kids then I have a reason to take it personally and by all means I have the right to get mad. Luckily, I don’t recall ever being specifically told this.
So, that is what I have come to realize today. To sum up, I somehow got it into my head that there is something wrong with me for not being pregnant yet and it is all up to me AND my life is missing something and is not complete or truly great without a baby. So those thoughts STOP NOW.
I have a great life and am happy and if anyone has a problem with that or can’t understand that then it is their problem, NOT MINE.
Okay, I am done, but I would still like a happy pill.