Monday, April 20, 2009

Let me clarify a few things...

Okay, first of all, let me start by saying that I am not disillusioned by the Mormon church or rejecting it. My issue is not with the church itself. I love my church and religion and I know that it is true. I am sorry I did not make that clear before.

The original problem was that a talk was given during church in which the statement was made to the effect that if you are just lying around doing nothing on Sunday "you are breaking the [Sabbath]" . The speaker went on to give examples of things we could do on Sunday that would be acceptable. The way I heard it was that it is not a day of rest in any way and knowing myself and how easily I get tired and that I really think I do need a day to just rest I felt like I was being told I was not keeping the sabbath day holy and this saddened me and sent me into some sort of spiritual panic. I left church in tears because I felt that I would never be good enough and I just didn't want to try anymore. Please keep in mind that I started my period yesterday, had a lot of caffeine and very little sleep, so i was not in a very good state of mind to begin with. I think what basically happened was I took something that was said a little too literally. I think the speaker could have worded things a little differently. The problem lied within me, though. Being more rational now I am able to see that. My friend, Sharon, sent me a very nice email where she took the time to put things into perspective for me and basically explained that Heavenly Father just wants me to do what I can and as long as I am trying my best then that is good enough. That was exactly what I needed to hear. Reading the comments from the second post yesterday I see that Jessica and Heather also tried to tell me the same thing so I thank all of you for that.

Original problem solved.

This brings me to the second problem which I so ineloquently addressed in the 2nd post. This problem resulted with how original problem was handled which is to say it was not handled at all. Let me explain.

My wonderful husband who cannot stand to see me in any kind of emotional pain told me he would talk to someone to try to help me. I wholeheartedly agreed to this because I wanted someone to try to help. To come to my home and see how I live(my house is a mess), to see how hard it is for me to even keep me house in order, to know I work 9 hour days and to understand why I was feeling like I would never be good enough and to try to work with me and maybe give me some guidance. I wanted to know that maybe I misinterpreted what was said and that I was on thr right track. Essentially, I was reaching out for help. Help that my husband could not give me and help I could not give myself.

This is what happened..... my husband talk to someone who A) told my husband that the speaker did not mean to offend anyone.

Let me just stop here. I was not OFFENDED by what the speaker said. I just took him too literally. If I was offended I would have walked out of the meeting until he was done with his talk and then moved on. I felt at this pint the person had just made an excuse for the speaker. I was not looking for an excuse. I was looking for some clarification on what was said.

Okay, so then the person told my husband B) he would talk to our home teachers about coming to talk with me or he himnself would come to see me. I was okay with that and actually glad and relieved. However, neither of those things happened.

What did happen was that one of the missionaries called and asked if I could give them a ride to a zone conference on Wednesday in Wichita. And if I couldn't did I know of anyone who in the church that could. Okay, here I am in the middle of a spiritual crisis and you are calling to as ME for something? Well this just unleashed a torrent of emotions and bitterness. Looking back, I am sure the missionary had no idea what transpired yesterday and she probably got my name from someone else(some one who obviously does not know me because if they did they would know O work 9 hours a day!!). It was just really bad timing. I am a bit suspicious though if maybe she got my name from the person who was supposed to come and help me, kind of like passing me off and getting something out of me as well. If I find out this was the case I will be PISSED. And we will have another problem.

Anyway, that was when I wrote the second post.

Where I am at now is I am not trusting people at church, one person in particular. I feel like what is preached is not being practiced. I feel like I am being written off as someone who has just been offended and that is something I just need to deal with on my own. No one is taking the time to get to know me and where I am coming from. I do not feel like a valued memeber of the ward. I have reached out for help and been rejected. So that is the issue as it stands.

I am not going to leave the Mormon church. I am not even going to leave my ward. At this point I am going to continue to pray for some guidance and start reading my scriptures again. I am not sure when I will feel comfortable enough to go back to church(hopefully soon) and I am not sure I will ever feel comfortable in asking for help again. A sacred trust has been broken and once you loose my trust is very hard to gain it back.

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