Sunday, April 19, 2009

Not the Spritual Fullfillment I was Hoping For

This will be a very long and brutally honest post. It will chronicle some stuff I have been struggling with for awhile now and was all brought home indirectly to me today. I realize that my thinking is probably not logical and I have probably misinterpreted something or other(I hope) and that I had a ALOT of caffeine last night and am still feeling the effects of that today, BUT, these are the thoughts I wrote down in in my scripture journal today at church after the first talk on the Sabbath day being holy....

"Apparently I am never going to be good enough in this church because I am doing EVERYTHING wrong. I guess it is not enough that i just mnake an effort to come to church on Sunday and not go out and buy anything, apparently I am also supposed to be doing a million other things and it is nto a day of rest. Apparently if I "rest" I am breaking it. So what is the point? I work 45 hours aweek and am tired on the weekends, but that's too bad because in order to be a good Mormon(I would now change this to Christian) I need to do a million things on Sunday. Oh, but it's okay to take a nap, although mine end up being several hours and that is probably not acceptable either!! This is why I don't come to church because I feel like when I do I am just told all the things i am doing wrong and how many different ways I don't measure up and I am at the point where I feel like why should I even try????

Earlier this week I was trying to think of ways to motivate myself to come to church because it has been very hard. I tend to see it as this huge block of time that is a burden and I am so tired on the weekends. i was trying to find a way to change this mindset because I feel like church is causing a lot of stress in my life and that is not right. I am going off track here,though(I'll explain another time why this is), here, so let me go back to my plan to change my mindset. I decided that I was going to view it as a block of time where I could learn and be spiritually fed(2 of the big things that drew me to the church in the first place). If i gave just those 3 hours on Sunday then the rest of the day I could completely rest. I could nap or read or color or take a walk or play games with my husband or visit with friends. I would not go shopping or clean or do anything that is commonly associated with breaking the sabbath, but also just give my body and mind a rest but it now seems that that is breaking the Sabbath and I need to be busy doing "spritual" things or "worthy" things and i am just so tired and stressed and I am never going to be perfect or good enough and I guess I am doing everything wrong so I am just ready to GIVE UP BECAUSE I AM DOING IT ALL WRONG!!!!!!!

While I am examining just how bad a Mormon I am let me list all the ways I am lacking....
Daily Prayer
Daily Scripture study
Church attendance
Temple attendance
Family Home Evening
Visiting Teaching
Keeping the Sabbath Holy
Sharing the Gospel
Geneology Work"

I ended up leaving church right after Sacrament meeting(I was going to at least try staying through Sunday school!!)in tears, with my husband trying to calm me down. He said he was going to try to talk to someone about how I was feeling which I did not object to. On the drive home I was able to sort through some of my thoughts and feelings and I think right now what I really want to concentrate on is personal prayer and scripture study. I know this church is true and I really do want to live a Christ cenetered life but I need some guidance and I really need to figure out what works for me. I know that I have certain limitations and what I am capable of and what I am not. I know that I should not be coming home from church feeling like this!! I need to figure out what the next step should be. If I need to take a step back and take a break and maybe go to another church for awhile to get some perspective or continue to go to my church with a guarded mind and heart so as not to get the wrong message and feel inadequate until I can learn how to do that with an open heart and mind. And definitley not drink caffeine on Saturday nights.

I will be writing more about this as I sort through everything and try to explain more of what led up to this. I am really sorry if I have offended anyone or given anyone the wrong impression of my church and religion. This is just my own personal experience and I need to fugure out just where the difficulty is coming from and how to change that.

3 comments:

socrates1 said...

Hello Robyn,
I stumbled upon your blog and I could immediately feel your pain and confusion.

Let me reassure you, you can't through good works get into Heaven. You can never be good enough to get into Heaven. You can never visit enough "holy temples" to get into Heaven.

You can never "do enough" to get in Heaven. You can never say enough "hail Mary's" if you were a Catholic to get into Heaven.

There is only one way to be certain you will go to Heaven. By accepting Jesus Christ as your personal Savior.

Salvation is not dependent upon works, it's dependent upon faith alone.

Without Jesus Christ, "mormonism" would mean nothing. Without Jesus Christ, everything would add up to nothing.

The premise behind mormonism, is that "The Church" that Jesus Christ established, while He was here, was destroyed by humankind, left to be "re-established" by a mere man, yes, Joseph Smith.

I understand the origin of the confusion, and my heart moans when I see people being so mislead.

The logic goes something like this: Jesus Christ IS God, who came in the flesh, to be a sinless sacrifice for all of humankind; that is for any who would confess their sins to God/Jesus, "not to man!" Jesus Christ established The Church while He was here, if it's possible for a mere man to destroy what Christ created, then Christ is not God. What God/Christ create, they alone can destroy. Mormonism, is false. It's blasphemous from the onset, while it doesn't outrightly put Joseph Smith on the level of Christ, it may as well, because "if you don't believe Joseph Smith, then you are destined for Hell" hence the confusion.

Mormonism is a cult that puts faith in the doctrine "of a single man" and not in Christ Jesus, of whom was written by many men who bore witness of His life.

You will not get into Heaven by going to church, nor by professing the church of mormon "to be the true church".

You will get into Heaven by:
1) Confessing your sins to God
2) Professing that Jesus Christ was God come in the flesh, who sacrificed His blood for 'you' to accept His gift of eternal life.
3) Believe that Christ was resurrected on the 3rd day and continues to live at the right hand of God.

Those who endure until the end, will inherit the Kingdom of our Almighty God.

It's not through man, that 'you' will get into Heaven, it's through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior, who gave us the perfect plan, for those who will believe.

Don't read the book of mormon, I really urge you to begin reading the New Testament tonight! Read it like it's not going to be there tomorrow! The New Testament explains God's plan for salvation.

Read it and pray, and ask God to grant you the wisdom you need to understand His plan. You must have faith, the Bible tells us, that if we ask for wisdom God will grant it to us. The Bible tells us, "none will come to the Father, except through the Son." It never says, "through the Son and Joseph Smith."

The Bible itself is the Living Word of God. The Bible is infallible, else we know nothing of God.

It's time to humble yourself, it's time to put faith in God, not in a mere man or in "a church", and when you put your faith in Almighty God, you will know of His presence.

I beseech you to seek out a Baptist church in your area, "not because the church will get you into Heaven and put your confusion to rest" but because *generally speaking* Baptists accept that the Bible is the infallible word of God, they will help you and you WILL know for certain.

The "living prophet" is a living pharisee as are his apostles.

I'm sorry to be so bold, but my heart truly aches for my lost brethren and I will pray that God puts your footing straight.

The only burden you have to bear as a Christian is to glorify God - if you consider that a burden - NOT temple meetings, not genealogy, not sacrament meetings, not "professing the mormon church to be the true church", but instead the "burden" is to glorify God, which when you've accepted salvation, there is no "burden" in glorifying God, you immediately are glorifying God, by believing Him/His Word, and His plan, His plan is "faith in His Son" and nothing more.

God doesn't want to confuse us, He doesn't want to burden us, He wants us to believe Him and in His Son, through faith in His word.

Think of this lastly, from what I understand of the mormon religion, they say that even after we die, we have a chance to get into Heaven, this would make Jesus Christ's sacrifice needless and also His purpose here a lie. If we are still able to get into Heaven after we die, assuming we denied Christ while we lived, this would make God and Christ liars. It would make Jesus Christ's sacrifice a lie. Ultimately the Bible would be a lie, and neither mormonism nor anything else of God, would be true.

Please feel free to send me an email: linuxlouis@gmail.com

Robyn :) said...

Although I do not agree with most of what is being said here, I have decided to not hide it because everyone is entitled to their opinions and beliefs.

I also appreciate that you are trying to help me, Socrates

socrates1 said...

Robyn,
I'm glad you reopened this commentary.

If you wouldn't mind indulging me, you indicate you don't agree with most of what I've said here - most of what I said is: without Christ, everything else is meaningless.

Do you agree with that or not?

If you are confident in your faith, then you won't mind discussing it.

If you believe the mormon church to be the true church, then wouldn't you want to lead others to it?

Certainly I test my faith daily and so I'm ready to give an account of my faith and testimony, as we've been instructed to in the Bible.

You appear to be at a crossroads and perhaps God is speaking strongly in your heart.

Are you confident in your faith only when you're around people in your ward? Or are you confident in your faith, because Christ is with you all of the time?

I do believe that my faith is scripturally sound, in fact, it's through scripture alone that I've come to have such bold and strong faith in Christ. This means, I have a personal relationship with Him, through His grace.

It's because of the certainty of scripture that we know we can have eternal life.

So in a very genuine regard, I am asking you not to defend your faith, but to give account of your faith since you've indicated you disagree with most of what I've said.

Respectfully,
- Louis