This will be a very long and brutally honest post. It will chronicle some stuff I have been struggling with for awhile now and was all brought home indirectly to me today. I realize that my thinking is probably not logical and I have probably misinterpreted something or other(I hope) and that I had a ALOT of caffeine last night and am still feeling the effects of that today, BUT, these are the thoughts I wrote down in in my scripture journal today at church after the first talk on the Sabbath day being holy....
"Apparently I am never going to be good enough in this church because I am doing EVERYTHING wrong. I guess it is not enough that i just mnake an effort to come to church on Sunday and not go out and buy anything, apparently I am also supposed to be doing a million other things and it is nto a day of rest. Apparently if I "rest" I am breaking it. So what is the point? I work 45 hours aweek and am tired on the weekends, but that's too bad because in order to be a good Mormon(I would now change this to Christian) I need to do a million things on Sunday. Oh, but it's okay to take a nap, although mine end up being several hours and that is probably not acceptable either!! This is why I don't come to church because I feel like when I do I am just told all the things i am doing wrong and how many different ways I don't measure up and I am at the point where I feel like why should I even try????
Earlier this week I was trying to think of ways to motivate myself to come to church because it has been very hard. I tend to see it as this huge block of time that is a burden and I am so tired on the weekends. i was trying to find a way to change this mindset because I feel like church is causing a lot of stress in my life and that is not right. I am going off track here,though(I'll explain another time why this is), here, so let me go back to my plan to change my mindset. I decided that I was going to view it as a block of time where I could learn and be spiritually fed(2 of the big things that drew me to the church in the first place). If i gave just those 3 hours on Sunday then the rest of the day I could completely rest. I could nap or read or color or take a walk or play games with my husband or visit with friends. I would not go shopping or clean or do anything that is commonly associated with breaking the sabbath, but also just give my body and mind a rest but it now seems that that is breaking the Sabbath and I need to be busy doing "spritual" things or "worthy" things and i am just so tired and stressed and I am never going to be perfect or good enough and I guess I am doing everything wrong so I am just ready to GIVE UP BECAUSE I AM DOING IT ALL WRONG!!!!!!!
While I am examining just how bad a Mormon I am let me list all the ways I am lacking....
Daily Scripture study
Family Home Evening
Keeping the Sabbath Holy
Sharing the Gospel
I ended up leaving church right after Sacrament meeting(I was going to at least try staying through Sunday school!!)in tears, with my husband trying to calm me down. He said he was going to try to talk to someone about how I was feeling which I did not object to. On the drive home I was able to sort through some of my thoughts and feelings and I think right now what I really want to concentrate on is personal prayer and scripture study. I know this church is true and I really do want to live a Christ cenetered life but I need some guidance and I really need to figure out what works for me. I know that I have certain limitations and what I am capable of and what I am not. I know that I should not be coming home from church feeling like this!! I need to figure out what the next step should be. If I need to take a step back and take a break and maybe go to another church for awhile to get some perspective or continue to go to my church with a guarded mind and heart so as not to get the wrong message and feel inadequate until I can learn how to do that with an open heart and mind. And definitley not drink caffeine on Saturday nights.
I will be writing more about this as I sort through everything and try to explain more of what led up to this. I am really sorry if I have offended anyone or given anyone the wrong impression of my church and religion. This is just my own personal experience and I need to fugure out just where the difficulty is coming from and how to change that.