Sunday, April 19, 2009

So I guess I'm Okay?

So, even I, in my incoherent journal ramblings and church breakdown, have enough insight into myself to know that I was crying out for a little spiritual help from those that are supposed to be looking out for my spiritual welfare(or at least trying to help). That is why I agreed that it was okay for my husband to try talking to someone at church about me. Because I figured maybe someone would want to see what was wrong and maybe offer some guidance.

My husband did talk to someone. He was told that that person would talk to our home teachers(I have no idea who they even are, I thought the person my husband talked to was actually our home teacher because he was the one who came the one time to see if we were working on what the leaders of our church deemed we needed to work on -- scripture study and temple attendance-- and to check it off on the chart)or he himself would come talk to me. Well, no one has come talk to me. Oh, and that person told my husband that the speaker was not trying to offend anyone. Well, DUH, I know he wasn't trying to offend anyone and i was not looking fopr an excuse, thank you, but thanks so much for providing one!!!

I did,however, get a phone call from our missionaries. Not to check on me to see what was wrong, but to ask for a ride 2 hours away on Wednesday. Which obviously says to me that no one in this church has any idea of what my life is like because , duh, I WORK FOR 9 HOURS A DAY so when do I have the time to drive people 2 HOURS AWAY???

Right now I am so disillusioned and feel even more stupid for thinking that people at church who talk about reaching out to others who are searching or have fallen away would actually take the time to practice what they preach and TRY TO HELP ME. I guess I am not hopeless or maybe worthy enough to help. So I guess this means that I am okay and don't need the help. I am so glad that my husband is constantly getting emails asking him to check up on his home teaching families and reminding him what he needs to do stay spiritually fulfilled and that we are being checked on to make sure we are doing what we are "supposed" to be doing, but when we ask for help there is NOTHING.

This just validates my feelings that right now I need to take a break from church and just focus on personal prayer and scripture study because obviously I am being incredibly selfish in expecting a little guidance and help and really the only place Iam going to get it is from myself and God(or am I presuming too much that He will help me as well?).

Meanwhile, I have a friend who is going through her own personal crisis which I think it is a lot worse than what I am complaining about here so I think my time energy would be better spent on focusing on how I can help her.


Jessica said...

I may be considered wrong in saying this, but it's my opinion. A church family should encourage and uplift you. If it isn't, then you are right to take a break and seek God in a different manner.

Everyone's relationship with God is different, as is everyone's beliefs on what is right and wrong. It sounds like you need to step back and examine your own personal beliefs.

I personally see nothing wrong with spending some of the sabbath to rest. I have always felt that it is not only a time to worship God, but it should also be spent enjoying your family, friends, and the things that make you happiest.

Regardless of where your own convictions take you, just be strong and keep your heart open. It'll all become clearer to you eventually. :)

Sharon said...

Robyn, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please know that I am always there for you. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you aren't good enough or worthy enough. You are! No one ever said you had to be perfect. Our purpose in this life is to strive to become more like our Savior Jesus Christ. Only you can decide if what you are doing is enough. If you are giving it everything you have, then my dear sweet friend, it is enough. And if what you are able to give is going to your meetings on Sunday, then that is enough.

Simply Heather said...

Honey, I am aware that I may not know what you're struggling with exactly...but be content to know that you are NOT alone.

My relationship with The Lord became strong BEFORE I began attending a church. I spent four years discovering Him and learning how to hear Him...a good relationship. You need time with Him, in His Word, learning to listen and follow His leading...not the leading of others.

Even after He placed me into a church, I've found people who truly love Him...leading others astray. Becoming too busy, trying too hard to follow rules, and even some thinking that the only ministry's worth doing are in the church...not beyond.

People make's inevitable, but hopefully The Lord will allow them to see their error and they will ask Him how to change their behavior's.

There are Sunday's that I spend away from the my home, resting and taking time with God and family. That's the way it is.

We are not placed here to become what "the world" thinks that we should be. We are placed here for God's purpose.

I will say that if you find time well spent with Him, seaking His heart in your will not be lead astray, you will find strength to be who He has create you to be AND you will be building upon the most important relationship of your life :o). Amen!