So, even I, in my incoherent journal ramblings and church breakdown, have enough insight into myself to know that I was crying out for a little spiritual help from those that are supposed to be looking out for my spiritual welfare(or at least trying to help). That is why I agreed that it was okay for my husband to try talking to someone at church about me. Because I figured maybe someone would want to see what was wrong and maybe offer some guidance.
My husband did talk to someone. He was told that that person would talk to our home teachers(I have no idea who they even are, I thought the person my husband talked to was actually our home teacher because he was the one who came the one time to see if we were working on what the leaders of our church deemed we needed to work on -- scripture study and temple attendance-- and to check it off on the chart)or he himself would come talk to me. Well, no one has come talk to me. Oh, and that person told my husband that the speaker was not trying to offend anyone. Well, DUH, I know he wasn't trying to offend anyone and i was not looking fopr an excuse, thank you, but thanks so much for providing one!!!
I did,however, get a phone call from our missionaries. Not to check on me to see what was wrong, but to ask for a ride 2 hours away on Wednesday. Which obviously says to me that no one in this church has any idea of what my life is like because , duh, I WORK FOR 9 HOURS A DAY so when do I have the time to drive people 2 HOURS AWAY???
Right now I am so disillusioned and feel even more stupid for thinking that people at church who talk about reaching out to others who are searching or have fallen away would actually take the time to practice what they preach and TRY TO HELP ME. I guess I am not hopeless or maybe worthy enough to help. So I guess this means that I am okay and don't need the help. I am so glad that my husband is constantly getting emails asking him to check up on his home teaching families and reminding him what he needs to do stay spiritually fulfilled and that we are being checked on to make sure we are doing what we are "supposed" to be doing, but when we ask for help there is NOTHING.
This just validates my feelings that right now I need to take a break from church and just focus on personal prayer and scripture study because obviously I am being incredibly selfish in expecting a little guidance and help and really the only place Iam going to get it is from myself and God(or am I presuming too much that He will help me as well?).
Meanwhile, I have a friend who is going through her own personal crisis which I think it is a lot worse than what I am complaining about here so I think my time energy would be better spent on focusing on how I can help her.